Dear Diary
For my third instalment of coping in China I thought I'd mention some useful essentials that are somehow overlooked in the travel brochures and TV shows - pay attention - they might just keep you alive.
Driving
There is nothing like driving safely on the streets, and in China the really is NOTHING LIKE driving safely on the streets. The average family commuting vehicle is a scooter, upon which you can pile a driver, several small children and a second adult at the back with as much shopping balanced on either side as you can strap down, making it look like some kind of novelty act from a Cirque de Soleil show. Momentarily you ponder how the police could allow such things to happen, until you watch a police scooter go by with as many flashing lights as can fit and two policemen riding on it too (presumably if you are arrested then you get to sit in the middle). And if you have ever heard the expression 'Keep death off the roads - drive on the sidewalk' then the chances are that it originated in China because you get as many scooters on the sides as you do in the streets, making a stroll around the shops something of an adventure, whereby you will actually jump into the road to avoid being run over.
There are certain features of the roads which you get the feeling China has heard about, and included them for the benefit of visitors, but they have no actual function. Prime examples being signs, painted lines on the road and traffic lights which are there merely to provide accentuating mood lighting rather than traffic control (My wasn't that a particularly nice shade of red back there that we drove through at 45 miles an hour).
Language
The use of the English language is a wonderful thing - it can teach us, it can express feelings of the heart, it can tell us stories and make us wonder of our place in the world. Foreign language is a mystical thing, the rolling of the tongue, or the accenting of a sound to denote different meaning to what seem like similar words, and the sheer beauty of the structure and sounds can be captivating to listen to. Trying to use the English language as a tool to interact with the foreign language on the other hand is a disaster waiting to happen.
Watching one of our colleagues as we sat in a restaurant gesticulating wildly to a waitress, using one hand to indicate that he had a fly in his beer and waving the other to show that everyone's glasses were dirty. Had it not been for our local guide stepping in to save us she would have served us 6 more flies so that everyone could have one. (Oh the look of disappointment on the face of the chef, who had been saving some particularly fruity little numbers for just such an occasion, as he packed them back into the fridge)
A local chap told me the other day that he liked to ski the internet in his spare time, which to me sounds like much more fun than surfing and from now on I will ski the web too. Someone else wanted to know if I'd like to go to the Gay Ball of China, which I thought was a little forward, as we had not so much as been out for a drink together. Wearing an expression somewhat similar to a first day convict who has just heard Big-Bubba say "Who's your Daddy?" I shook my head slightly and raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "It's very big and long," he continued enthusiastically, "many people come to China to see it" (mission control to Wrighty nerve centre - closing emergency doors - unlawful entry detected) "You can walk up it for hundreds of miles." Imagine my relief when I realised we were talking about the Great Wall.
Language holds no fear for us Brits though - as it is a well known fact that we can be understood clearly anywhere in the world by simply speaking very slowly and loudly at people - it is a proven technique and has never failed me once
Toilets
Yes toilets. The most common of acts almost turned into the most deadly for this poor chubby little Limey when caught short with a need that was not going to wait.You see the actual toilet is not the westernized and indeed civilized little seated number that we take for granted here. The best way to describe it is to take a gentleman's urinal, lay it on it's back and stick it in the floor, and put a hole at the front for everything to flush down.
"So how does one sit and sh....?" well that's the point - you don't sit, you squat, and the smallest but most important missing detail is that there are no handles on the walls for you to hang on to.Try this little exercise on a carpet - keeping your feet squarely on the floor squat down so that your bum rests on the calves of your lower leg, and then stay balanced without holding on to anything. Now if you are like me and best described as a fridge magnet rather than a babe magnet, you will probably find yourself rolling backwards and ending up staring at the ceiling.
Now take that little scenario and replay it actually in a Chinese toilet and you will find yourself picturing my predicament. Desperately sliding backwards while holding on to the toilet walls I was looking like a cross between Mini-Me and Sampson. Never before in my life have I had to face the rather unfortunate prospect of peeing up my own nose, but here I sat (or not as the case may be) with nothing but willpower and the already overworked Wrighty nerve centre between me, 2 socks full of crap, and the need for industrial strength tic-tacs. It almost wasn't pretty, but I did survive with dignity bruised yet still intact.
And so dear Diary I have these simple tips to sum up my travels and trials
When travelling - keep your eyes closed and whatever you do don't look at the traffic flying by - it seems to work for the drivers
When trying to talk the lingo - remember the subtleties of pronunciation are hard to understand - there is a very fine line between "Bring me the wine list" and "My mother is very fond of goats"
And when you've gotta go - take some rope and tie yourself to the toilet door - think of it as water ski-ing for beginners
Untill next time....
